After much thoughts about it, I've made up my mind. 2018 January will be it.
But wait, Chinese New Year is on February. February 16. Ugh, should I leave before Chinese New Year or after it?
I know it will be emotional burdening if I were to re-unite with my family and to talk about the matters, it's definitely a no-no to bring it to Wat Pah.
Anyway, the best date to give the letter is first week of January 2018. That would have me leaving Singapore before February. Probably that's the better option.
So I guess, no more Chinese New Year celebrations then? haha...
We're closing in, closing in...to the end of the year.
I read my post blog posts, and I realized. Hey hey, it's all about the final destination. Yup, how could I forget that. How could I.
Lately, it's about work work work after the July's vacations. Yea, many vacations. One to Ubon, and then to Chiang Mai, and then again Bangkok. Something different, not so much of any difference, it's all in Thailand. LOL.
And so, Ubon. As always, lovely. I met a Thai guy, 22 years old kid. A rather not so Thai, Thomas. He is something different. As I myself is a truly Asia - truly I am, never had I a fond on Western culture, Thomas on the other hand is very western. He knows little about South East Asia, let not history of his own country. Heck! He didn't even know there are many airlines flying to Ubon, not just WE. He speaks in a total American way, which is kinda odd to me. Well, he is part of the elite class, considering how his way of life has been. 10 years in the States, back to Thailand for his Secondary School, did his degree in the UK, and now going back to the UK for his Master. Woa. I always fancy to think how low i am, how lowly born i am, compared to him. Such a elite, high flyer. Way to go, Thomas!
Chiang Mai, hmmm... school~. Mae Wang school stay. Well, i did enjoy the company of the all-girls group, it's strange in a way. Strange that, where are the guys? It's kinda tiring, physical labour work. Grrrr, yea.. I didn't like that much of physical work, and definitely not the men's work. Come on, it's a holiday to me. I was sweating mad, working out all for the school.
Bangkok was fun. It was my first ever family trip, minus my sister, who can't join us. I screwed the journey back to home, I forgot Thai time is one hour behind MY's time, in which it means I have to add in 1 extra hour. My bad, we missed to the train. Anyway, I didn't like it at all. I do feel guilty that I made them walk all the way from the train station back to the hotel. That's like a 15min stroll. A pain, if it's repeated for a few times. Everyone enjoys the room, the hotel. That's a ply point. And we all love WE, Thai Smile. I am glad that, they were impressed by WE. The service, tip-top. Product, perfect! We've got some special meal.
1 August 2017. That’s the option to exercise. Yes, to stay a bit longer. No, to launch myself into a whole new world.
I’m always scared to talk about this. But, hey, decision, decision. I gotta have to make a decision.
And so, here’s the deal. $15k to go, to pay back my debts. I’ll be able to have that amount of money by February next year. That will be like, $1.6k of savings every month, starting next month. I really hope I save that much of money.
With that, I will be debt free starting March 2017. I’ll then wait for the bonus month, July. That will all go to my insurance saving plan. I’ll also have about 5 months of savings for the extra.
Looks like a pretty a good plan huh. Well, I do hope so.
I was sick twice, just a few weeks ago. The weather is unusually cool, I reckon it will be hot as in a hot oven this coming summer. Ugh...
As usual, I am struggling to get up early. Why oh why, am I that lazy. I think I am just getting too comfortable in my life now. With plenty of money in hand, and a 8 to 6 job. What is there to worry. I am just so so wrong. Maybe I should just plunge myself into a 'technical recession' again, and get myself all up for a fight.
One thing good though, I've been trading intensely. Just a big lost yesterday, but never-mind. It's always up and down, so long I stick my strategy.
I am also putting up a new habit. Clean my room weekly, instead of fortnightly. Something good, but I got to clear my stuffs. Gotta give away my items put in storage, really.
In anyway, I do hope I can keep up with this new habit, new lifestlye, continue to work harder by waking up early, not to be lazy!
The year has come. This is again the transition year. Gosh, I have prepared little.
Well, many knew this could be my last year in the job. And I do seriously want it to be so.
I am not ever ready to enter monastery though. I am just so unsettled. So disturbed by many things in life, the annoying phone calls from work, the ever crave for entertainment. I know it's just me, not putting any effort to restrain. That'd have curbed easily if it's watched mindfully. Sigh.
In anycase, this is in the pipeline. In April, my mobile contract will expire. I'd downgrade it so that it doesn't tie my hand. Also, PR status is due for renewal as well. Every July, renew my rental contract for the last time.
Quit and exit Singapore!
It's always sad to leave.
Sad to leave fellow kids in the monastery. Sad to leave those naughty moments, these kids... It was indeed overwhelming at times, but now I have a mixed feelings of everything. Especially tawan, he is annoying at times but sometimes helpful. I was thinking whether to tell his guardian over his mischief, but again I'm baffled if this is a matter that I should pick up. Well, this is his private matters. Why should I bother.
Really sad to leave Wat Pah Nanachat for the second time. There were at least 14 guests this time round. 3 of them aspired to be a monk, which is incredible to say. Daniel, Fernando and Alex, I wish them luck. We had a good exchange of Dharma talks, but really what Dharma talk we talking about when we are just the lay people.
This trip is a trip of katin. The monastery is very busy on katin, and should be avoided if possible. The monks were busy attending to hundreds of guest monks, pouring from different part of the province. Senior, and the most respectable monks, their top priority. That means, less time for lay folks like me. In fact, I had very little interactions with the monk there.
On my way out of Ubon, my tears fell for the second time. I was on-broad, and about to take off Ubon airport. Ubon, the town of much prosperity. Many great stories were said, and especially the pindapata. This town is indeed a town when giving means everything. The rich kept the most, the poor give the most. Ubon is not a tourist town, it's a local district with only 1 big mall. The richness of Buddhism, real Buddhism is significant. I fell in love with this. But I do know too, this doesn't last long.
My tears ran down because I can see such genuineness in the people here. Such genuineness, it is so different from city folks like me. Life here is plainly raw and simple, less material but more in the heart. I am so ugly when compared to any of the people here.
It's been so long that I didn't write. Yea, there were just too many events, too much happenings.
As always, I always forget my goal. My ultimate goal. Hey, buddy... that's not too far. It's now less than 500 days, yet I've not settled down.
Well, the good thing is, I've made much progress for the past few days. I'd want to continue on. It's 4am, just gotta wake up at 4am. Today, I gonna make it 3am, just to be the same as Wat Pah Nanachat. I am glad. Haiz.. that I am at least somewhat ready now. Somewhat ready to step into Wat Pah Nanachat. Bolder, stronger, and more determined.
Yes, more to go, more to come. And Yes, I can do this. And yes, I can sit longer, and longer, and longer. :)
I'm at the point of tipping point now. And really, what is the thing that I can't let go. What's more? I just need to tip over a little more, and that would do a lot more.
Glad that I started all this. With this opportunity, and this strength needed throughout the journey. I know this is rather unusual, not a usual thing people normally do or event want to d. But well, who cares really what you want to do right? For I, I couldn't care of this manifested self, but to watch each and every steps of manifestation and not to become again, not anymore, no more.
For Dharma, for the real thing. I must not forget.
見最多 眉目近 時日叫 輪廓失真
慣了幸運 慣了同行 慣了浪漫卻生疏似遠親
告訴她 無懼怕 其實你 還記得嗎？
試過患難 掃去雲霞 那怕冒昧說一聲最愛她
I'd a good relaxing day, yet so tiring. Yea, every Vesak is just so tiring. So many to do, so much feelings, so much time to enjoy a good time.
I cleaned up my room on Saturday. Ugh, so much dust and dirt. The dirty water was choking up the toilet. Somehow I felt the days in Wat Pah Nanachat. So much cleaning. Nonetheless, my room just feel so much cleaner now. I have still yet to clean my wardrobe and my work table. Anyway, I still have plenty of time.
Sunday was just lovely. I'd lunch with Poh Neo at an expensive noodle shop nearby. I regretted it. It's just over priced, and the bowl of noddles cost me 10 bucks! What! Anyway, it's Sunday. A happy day. Pre-Vesak Day. Later in the evening, I met Mee Leng, LJ, Chong Lung. We were there for evening chant. Enjoyable. And as usual, we'd head out for tea or late night supper. I was causally asked Mee Leng whether she would do a overnight sitting. And she gladly said yes. Haha.. And there I was meditating from 10ish to 2am at a corner in my rom. Way to go... I know the sitting quality was pretty bad. Each posture lasted for only 30minutes, or even lesser. I can understand that. I can't sit sill, my mind was all over the place. Though I was relatively focus in the first hour, but the next few hous fell apart. That's just not the normal routine me, in which I could pay great deal of attention on 1 thing. After close to 4 hours of sitting, I was really tired. And I hit the bed.
The next day, it's the big day - A day of accomplisment. Not that I've accomplished anything, but I think I started to re-thinking about my goals again. The 4 hours of sitting really put me my own shoe. I know the hope, the aspiration to head to the Dhamma path. I realized that I am so out the path, there are so many catch up work to do. I'm glad to spend the time reflecting, and to think again what and where is my goal.
Surely, the Dhamma.
I remember. I remember every taint of scars on that day. Even till now, there is a little hook angling on my heart. I remember.
It is just a super crazy day. Well, just business as usual. Everyday is madness. What's different today is the harping from my boss. She's just constantly hunting down on me to get her work done. What doesn't do justice is that I am supposed to get her stuffs done, but I have yet to plan out the work next week, in which I am leading. I was even lectured that I am supposed to work on stuffs given by everyone else immediately. Okay. Now, so where am I in this picture? I know, stuffs that I do falls under the category of "That's your stuffs". No wonder no one talks about teamwork. It's better that you die rather than me. Sad นะ. Sad to see how selfish people is.
Well, I was determined to finish as much as I can. To get rid of those "That's your stuffs" stuffs, I just don't want to screw up my own things. I know, I will then be subjected under heavy scrutiny if I drop balls, balls under my care.
Super tried on my way home. Just plain exhausted, emotionally tired. I just got so sick of the shits thrown at me. I even told Sujin, I'll just wipe it down if shits were thrown to me. I guess I needed more tissue paper. Somehow, somewhere, I recalled what had happened 2 years ago.
"Stop, stop all your Sands work. Handover." That was Thursday. Some shits were about to make known to the client the next day, and that Thursday was my second last day of work in that company. I was at ease after hearing that harsh statement, in a way I did felt apologetic. I even had a silly thought of apologizing to him. But going by the way how they'd had done on me, I think that's not much needed. I remember the agonizing moment that Wednesday evening to Friday afternoon.
"We'd rather have someone else than him.", "We can do without him.". Not the exact phrasing, but it's along the line. I was actually smiling when hearing that, and still smiling now. Not a evil smile, but a smile of empathy. For someone to say that, it must had been very difficult. And to help them do away this pain, is to go away. Go far far away, and to disappear in their eyes. Thankfully, Paran is over joyed on Friday. That has probably meant the end of his pain.
I read again G's email. It was bitter toned. Not as harsh as the words uttered by him. It did bought me back to a reality check, as what the email mentioned.
I take this scar with me, to remember what bitter taste like, to remember what human nature is, to remember feelings - feelings for others, to remember to check on ego, to remember ugliness of a person is the person's colour - there is nothing as ugly as our self.
I remember. And I remember well. จำได้ จำได้.